The Battle Against That Disease
by Carbuncle
Summary: Headmaster Cid receives some bad news from Galbadia Garden, and has to take action in order to protect Balamb Garden from the worst disease known to human kind.


FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
The Great Big Stupid Battle Against AIDS (P.S. We Don't Want to Die)  
  
(Open to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Selphie and Irvine are all sitting at their usual table)  
Zell: Mmm... Nothin' like a good hot dog to start the day!  
Squall: Zell, why do you always have to eat hot dogs?  
Zell: 'Cause I love 'em, Squall. Why do you always have to be so moody?  
Squall: Because if I acted any different people would accuse me of being out of character.  
Zell: What people?  
Squall: Y'know - them.  
Zell: Who?  
Squall: The people who're gonna put a boot up your ass if you don't stop askin' questions!  
Rinoa: Zell, we all think you should eat something different. All that junk food can't be good for you.  
Zell: (eating) Can't talk - eating!  
Rinoa: I'll go and order you something that'll be a lot kinder to your health. (gets up and walks over to the cafeteria lunch line)  
Selphie: Irvy, will you help me find my G-spot later?  
Irvine: (spits out his drink) WHAT?!?!  
Selphie: Well, will you?!  
Irvine: (blushes) Uh, I guess. Thank you for askin', babe.  
Selphie: ^_^ Oh, I love you, Irvy! (hugs him tightly)  
Zell: (swallows the last of his dog) You people make me sick!  
Squall: Ugh...  
Rinoa: (walks over with a bowl of porridge) Here you go, Zell. (puts the bowl down in front of him)  
Zell: What the hell is this!?  
Rinoa: It's porridge.  
Zell: Funny. It looks like the stuff that comes out of a cat's ass...  
Rinoa: Try it. You might like it.  
Zell: (examines the porridge) Oh, there's a bug in it. (pours the porridge onto the floor)  
Rinoa: No there's not!!!  
Zell: Trust me. There is.  
Rinoa: Hmph! (walks off; Zell pulls out another hot dog and starts to eat)  
Squall: Uh, Zell, there's a bug in it.  
Zell: (eating) Eh...  
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Attention students. This is your headmaster speaking... to you... on the loudspeaker... from his office.  
Irvine: He really loves that loudspeaker, huh?  
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) I do not wish to alarm anyone, but we have just received some rather unfortunate news from Galbadia Garden. Ninty-five students there have recently been diagnosed with the dreaded disease... AIDS.  
Squall: What...  
Zell: ...the...  
Irvine: ...hell...  
Selphie: ...is AIDS?!  
Irvine: (sighs) Selphie, c'mere for a sec, babe. (whispers something into her ear)  
Selphie: Ooh, how cute! Hee hee hee hee!  
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Balamb Garden will now inflict a NO SEXUAL RELATIONS ACT which will apply to ALL students here at Garden. Any students found to engage in ANY sexual act will be killed immediately! (pause) D... Did I say killed? I meant expelled. (laughs nervously) You have been warned. Good day.  
Zell: Holy crap!  
Irvine: No sex?!  
Selphie: How... horrible... I think. Irvine, can you explain something to me? (Carbuncle: I'm a HUGE Selphie fan, but isn't it fun to make fun of how STUPID and DITZY she is?! No offence to Selphie fans, such as myself.)  
Irvine: (sighs) You want to know what sex is, right?  
Selphie: Please...  
Irvine: Okay, uh, you remember what we did last night?  
Selphie: When you put your peni-  
Irvine: Yes! But don't say that word in a PG-13 fanfic, okay?  
Selphie: Ohh... so what we did was called SEX?!  
Irvine: Uh huh. Now does that answer your rather disturbin' question?  
Selphie: Yes. Thanks.  
Rinoa: Well, a ban on sex. Of all the crazy ideas.  
Squall: Yeah, but we wouldn't wanna catch AIDS, would we? I think it's better this way.  
Rinoa: Squall, how would we catch AIDS anyway?! We don't mate with anyone other than each other! And I know I don't have AIDS!  
Squall: I don't have AIDS, either.  
Irvine: Ditto.  
Selphie: Who'd be dumb enough to catch it anyway?!  
Zell: I would!  
Squall: (pause) Oh, you couldn't catch AIDS, Zell. You haven't screwed anyone since 1999.  
Irvine: Yeah, have some respect for peoples' feelings, would ya, Zell?!  
  
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office, a week later. Headmaster Cid and Xu are talking)  
Cid: Well, it's been a week since we enforced this stupid law. How're things in Garden, Xu?  
Xu: Very well, Cid. Only three people caught AIDS this week. This new law has been a godsend.  
Cid: Hmm, I suppose we should kill off these three people then. Send them in. (Xu opens the office door and Raijin, Nida and Quistis all walk in) So, you students have been a bit naughty then, eh? Well I hope you--oh my God! Quistis?! N... Not you too?!  
Quistis: It wasn't my fault. I was raped.  
Raijin: Seifer's been a bad boy again, ya know?  
Cid: Well, Quistis, your death should send an important message to the students. By killing you, they may begin to take me seriously.  
Quistis: But what about all the time we spent together in the closet?! You're just going to throw all that away?!  
Cid: Silence! You all know too much! Xu, escort these PEOPLE to the chair.  
Xu: Yes, Cid. (Quistis, Raijin and Nida all follow her to the back of the room; a loud zap is heard, followed by another, and another, and then Xu returns to Cid alone)  
Cid: Good work, Xu. I'm so glad that bitch is dead. Now, let's talk about the bug problem in the cafeteria.  
  
(Cut to Squall's dorm. Squall and Rinoa are both sitting on the bed together)  
Rinoa: Squall, come and plant one on me.  
Squall: Are you nuts?! What aboot the new law?!  
Rinoa: ...did you just say 'aboot'?  
Squall: (shakes his head) Let me start again... Are you nuts?! What about the new law?!  
Rinoa: Screw the new law! I want a piece of you!  
Squall: No, we can't! Rinoa, no!  
Rinoa: (tries to seduce him) Laa laa laa... I'm SO hot for you, Squally. You know you want me. (strokes her legs up and down) Oh, Hyne! Give it to me!  
Squall: I don't think Hyne'll take any notice, babe.  
Rinoa: Oh, you're no fun, Squall! Do you really want me to go elsewhere?! You're going to drive me away into the arms of another man, you know that?!  
Squall: That's a chance I'm willing to take. I don't want to catch that disease.  
Rinoa: What disease?  
Squall: You know: syphillis.  
Rinoa: Ugh! I'm going out for a while! SeeD you later. (leaves the room)  
Squall: (to the reader) "SeeD you later"? They're really struggling for decent jokes this season, huh?  
  
(Cut to Zell's dorm. He is sitting on his bed)  
Zell: Damn, I'm pissed! Why haven't I got a girl?! Why?! You little sons of a bitches from Squaresoft - I could kill you all! Oh well, at least I won't catch AIDS... I wonder what the others are doin' now...?  
  
(Cut to Selphie's dorm. Selphie and Irvine are both sitting on the bed)  
Irvine: I... I can't take it anymore! I must have sex!  
Selphie: Irvy, you're scaring me! Calm down!  
Irvine: Aw, sorry, babe. Hey, I just thought of somethin'... We're not technically Balamb Garden students, are we?  
Selphie: Well, no. I'm from Trabia Garden, and you're from-  
Irvine: Yeah, yeah, everyone knows that already. But Selphie, do you know what this means?!  
Selphie: ...that we can have sex 'cause we're not actually Balamb Garden students...?  
Irvine: No! It means that we can have sex 'cause we're not actually Balamb Garden students!  
Selphie: Hey, I said that!!!  
Irvine: (sarcastically) Of course you did, babe. Of course you did.  
Selphie: Hmph! Get out of here right now, Irvy!  
Irvine: Huh?!  
Selphie: I wanna be alone! Get lost!  
Irvine: Aw, I'm sorry if I upset you, Selphie. Kiss 'n' make up?  
Selphie: Out NOW!!!  
Irvine: Okay, okay!  
  
(Cut to the hallway. Irvine runs out of Selphie's dorm and meets Rinoa)  
Rinoa: Hi, Irvine. What's up?  
Irvine: Oh, hey, Rinoa. Selphie kicked me out again.  
Rinoa: What'd you do this time?  
Irvine: Nothin'. It's just that she wouldn't have sex with me.  
Rinoa: Really? Squall wouldn't have sex with me, either. Hey, I got a plan that might get us into a lot of trouble!  
Irvine: Oh, I don't think I wanna know then.  
Rinoa: It involves sex...  
Irvine: I'm all yours! (he and Rinoa both run off down the hall together)  
  
(Cut to Zell's dorm. Zell is sitting on his bed, when he hears a knock at the door)  
Zell: Come in!  
Squall: (walks in) Hey, Zell. Have you seen Rinoa today?  
Zell: No, why? You lost her again?  
Squall: I feel bad about... Nevermind. So, what are you doing?  
Zell: Wallowin' in self-pity.  
Squall: ...do you mind if I join in?  
  
(Cut to the Quad. Rinoa and Irvine can be heard behind the stage. Their clothes have been thrown about on the floor)  
Rinoa: Oh, Irvy! You're so manly!  
Irvine: Huh? Rinoa, did you say that? Where are you, anyway?  
Rinoa: Over here. To your left.  
Irvine: Oh, there you are! Here I com--ow! Goddammit! I hit my damn head on the stage! Ow!  
Rinoa: Maybe this was a mistake...  
  
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. The old fart and Xu are both there)  
Cid: Well, another day, another drama. What's the word on the AIDS situation?  
Xu: We have four more students infected with the dreaded disease, sir.  
Cid: Send the little bastards in! (Xu opens the door and Squall, Rinoa, Irvine and Selphie all walk in) My best students?! Nooo!!!  
Squall: Damn you, Rinoa! Why the hell did you have to sleep with Irvine?! You've ruined your life, you know that?!  
Rinoa: You weren't there for me, Squall! I had to turn to someone else! I did warn you, remember?!  
Selphie: (to Rinoa) You whore! How could you steal Irvy away from me?!  
Rinoa: Whore?! Better than being a ditz!  
Selphie: Ditz?! What the heck is a ditz?!  
Rinoa: (sighs) I rest my case.  
Selphie: Dirty slut!  
Rinoa: Bring it on, Selph! (she and Selphie start to fight)  
Irvine: Your girlfriend is a real bitch, Squall.  
Squall: What?! I'll kill you, Irvine! (he and Irvine start to fight)  
Cid: (to Xu) Hmm, maybe I won't have to use the chair on these students... That'll save on the electricity bill anyway...  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria. Zell and Fujin are the only people there)  
Zell: Wow, I can't believe the entire Garden caught AIDS... 'Cept us, of course. We're sooo lucky, don't you agree, Fujin?  
Fujin: BORED!  
Zell: I know whatcha mean. I miss my old buddies.  
Fujin: SEX?  
Zell: What?! With you?! But... aren't you a lesbian?  
Fujin: LIE!  
Zell: People've been sayin' that you are.  
Fujin: FOOLS!  
Zell: Well, I guess you're my last chance. I'll probably die a virgin if I don't hump you.  
Fujin: AGREE!  
Zell: Wait a sec... I'm sure you're a lesbian...  
Fujin: NEVERMIND!  
Zell: God, what did we do to deserve this?  
Fujin: You know what?  
Zell: What?  
Fujin: I think we should blow this joint. Want to come to Esthar and do drugs?  
Zell: You don't look the type to do drugs, Fujin.  
Fujin: You're right. But I'll try anything once. You in?  
Zell: Sure. Why not? We ain't got nothin' else to keep us here.  
  
(Cut to Esthar. Zell and Fujin are both on the street corner. They're both whacked out on drugs)  
Zell: Wow, man! Totally rad... and stuff, y'know?  
Fujin: CORRECT!  
Zell: H... Hey, I feel weird... like... I'm not even here or somethin'... What the...? Wait... None of this makes any sense... No sense at all... I must be...  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the 2F Classroom. Zell wakes up at his desk)  
Zell: ...aaagh!  
Quistis: Ah, Zell, awake at last.  
Zell: (looks around the class to see Squall, Selphie, Seifer, Quistis and the rest of the students sitting at their desks) Ah, it was all a dream!  
Quistis: Now, today we're going to learn all about sexually transmitted diseases. Zell, would you like to read paragraph seventeen of the text book in front of you?  
Zell: Uh... how ironic.  
Squall: Come on, Zell. We haven't got all day.  
Zell: All right, all right! Just a second!  
Quistis: Take your time, Zell. We're not getting any younger up here.  
Zell: Shut up, Trepe!  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
